Why does your narcissistic partner keep blaming you? (2023)

Why does your narcissistic partner keep blaming you? (1)

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If you wonder why younarcissisticYour partner blames you for everything that goes wrong, whoever is to blame, the answer is simple: people with narcissismPersonality disorderThey can't tolerate the idea that they might be at fault, so they blame someone else.

Why people with narcissism?personalityClutter worries so much, who's to blame?

Here are some concepts that might help explain why guilt plays such a big role in relationships with narcissists. (Note: I'm using the terms "narcissistic" and "narcissistic" as shorthand for narcissistic personality disorder.)

Our inner guiding voice

As humans, we are endowed with the ability to develop an inner voice that praises and punishes our behavior. This inner voice is programmed during ourchildhoodis based on a combination of three things:

  1. How our parents treated us.
  2. Our innate temperament.
  3. Our interpretation of what our parents were thinking was worthy of praise or criticism.

Ideally, this inner voice is realistic, rewarding and punishing us when we do the right thing with praise.pityoDebtwhen we do something wrong And ideally, rewards and punishments are appropriate for the behavior. Our inner guiding voice must replace the guidance of our parents and thus allow us to live independently.

siegmundofreud(1856-1939), the “Father ofpsychoanalysis", this voice called our superego. Some people consider it their own.Awareness. Other people see it as the spark of the divine within each of us, teaching us right and wrong.

The inner voice of the narcissist

Unfortunately, people with narcissistic personality disorder have internalized an overly harsh and aggressive attitude.Perfectionist, and devaluing the inner voice. This voice rarely praises. Nothing is good enough to win your approval for long, and no mistake is too trivial to be severely punished.

Self blame leads to shame

Because the narcissist's inner guiding voice is so critical and harsh, narcissists try to avoid any responsibility for anything that goes wrong. To avoid self-loathing, they blame someone else. If they don't successfully place the blame, they could end up drowning in a pit ofself hateand shame. This often sends them into a shame-based self-loathing spiral.Depression. also subconsciouswaitthat their mistakes will be used by you or others to publicly humiliate them.

Once narcissists sink into a self-hating depression, they lose touch with everything good about them. They see themselves as flawed and useless losers.

With deep shame always lurking at the fringes of their psyche and a critical inner voice punishing them harshly and unfairly, narcissists naturally learn early in life never to blame themselves for their mistakes. When something is wrong, they are quick to blame someone else. If you are his lover or his partner, chances are you are at fault, no matter how far-fetched it sounds.

How to deal with the situation?

The unfortunate reality is that this situation cannot be resolved logically or by discussing who is right and who is wrong. This type of guilt has nothing to do with external reality or justice. It's aboutSelf-esteemMaintenance. His spouse wrongly blames him for something to avoid blaming himself. When narcissists think about accepting the blame, they subconsciously fear that you and your relentless, hateful people will plant the psychological equivalent of burning coals in their heads.inner critic. They project the opinions of their inner critics onto you and then see you as overly critical.


  • What is narcissism?
  • Find a therapist who understands narcissism

There are a few things that might work right now to ease the tension. Both methods ignore who is at fault and focus on making your narcissistic partner more comfortable.

Method 1 – Express empathy

Method 1 is based on one of James F. Masterson's interventions that he taught therapists to help people with NPD feel understood. Guilt is not mentioned in this method. Neither is right or wrong. you only do aempathicStatement that attempts to capture the flavor of the emotion the narcissistic person is feeling.

Example:Sam comes home and can't find the TV remote. He starts yelling at his wife Jennie:I can't believe you did it again! Why do you keep losing the remote control? you never pay enoughAttentionfor what you do!

Jennie knows that Sam was the last one to use the remote. She also knows that arguing with him about it is pointless. If she protests, it will only lead to a long and pointless fight. So she empathetically tries to "mirror" Sam about what she thinks he's feeling:

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Jenny: it must have been like thatpainfulfor you when you got home and couldn't find your TV remote. I can understand howdisappointedyou were They were looking forward to the soccer game.

Masterson used to use the same words over and over again, "painful" and "disappointed." Someone once asked Masterson, "Don't your clients notice and comment that you keep saying, 'It must be so painful and disappointing'?" Masterson replied, "Not if they're narcissistic."

Narcissists find empathy and a sense of being understood, along with a lack of judgment, very reassuring. Most grew up without empathy from their caregivers. That's why your inner voice is so empathetic.

Method 2 - Let me help you

In this method, you also ignore your spouse's unfair criticism of you. Instead, simply offer your help. This method emphasizes that the two of you are a team and not opponents.

Example:Sam begins to blame Jennie for losing the remote. Jenny quickly says, "Let me help you find it." She ignores his insults and simply gets up and starts looking for the missing remote with him.

Over time, if Jennie is willing to help Sam and not shame him or try to hold him accountable, Sam will probably begin to slowly internalize a new model of how to deal with failure without blaming anyone.

This will gradually build some trust in Jenny's benevolence and intentions. Sam may still belittle and blame Jennie (she still has narcissistic personality disorder), but he will eventually understand that Jennie is not intentionally trying to annoy or frustrate him.

Realizing that Jenny can hurt and frustrate him without her meaning to hurt him can be a major milestone and turning point in your relationship. The fights will still happen, but your attacks on Jennie will be less poisonous.

What happened when you spilled the milk?

If you want to learn more about the origins of someone's guilt behavior, you can ask a simple question:When you were little and you spilled your glass of milk on the table, what happened?

People I know who are relatively laid back and realistic about their mistakes report something like this:My mom got up and said, "Don't worry. Get the paper towels from the kitchen and I'll help you clean up."

My clients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder report a very different reaction:How can you be so clumsy! You do all this extra work for me because you're so carefree and irresponsible. And the! Dinner is over for you. Go to your room. And don't expect to watch TV tonight either. You must learn to be more careful.

A childhood of harsh criticism for mistakes teaches children to find a way to shift the blame in any way they can and place the blame on someone else for the mistake.

To little sister Sally:If you hadn't squeezed my elbow, the milk wouldn't have spilled. It's your fault, not mine. You are the one who deserves to be punished, not me!

Punta:The reason why your narcissistic partner automatically blames you for things that are not your fault can be expressed as a simple equation:Guilt + shame = self hate.Your spouse blames you to avoid being judged as worthless trash by your own overly harsh and undervaluing inner voice. There are things you can do to minimize fighting, but unfortunately they all focus on making your partner feel more comfortable. This will benefit you in the long run, but your success depends on literally ignoring your spouse's teasing and your own hurt feelings. Instead, you need to act like a combination of a good parent and a psychotherapist. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life helping manage your spouse's self-esteem at his expense, you should probably seriously consider ending the relationship.

Adapted from a Quora post.

Imagen en Facebook: fizkes/Shutterstock

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